Getting Ass-Fucked

Road Warriors
Originally uploaded by Phalanx.

One of the myriad of problems of living in Los Angeles is the near-complete dependence on a car. We all know about Southern California being the car economy, perhaps the most dynamic auto market on the planet -- for a variety of reasons that I'm not going to get into here.

What I'm going to get into here is what happens when one's precious auto, goes on the fritz and needs service/repairs. Your options are to go to the dealer, over-pay and perhaps get quality service... although most likely you'll get C- work on your car. Your second option is to find a reliable mechanic... which in a city of getting over on muthafuckas and dicking people out of their hard-earned cash is a difficult proposition to successfully navigate.

I was a little tired of going to the VW dealer, 'cause I noticed that they wouldn't tell me things that were wrong with the car, i.e. an alignment issue. So I had sought out a reliable and respectable mechanic... a few actually, but none really made a strong impression on me except this one Filipino guy out in Reseda and this Armenian who runs a place called Eurowurx in Burbank.

The worst though came last January, when I felt the car needed a little more than a service... perhaps a tune-up, because the engine was strenuous while idling. I was living deep on the westside of the fucking San Fernando Valley and couldn't get to a good mechanic, nor did I know one (as Eurowurx has moved, or so I thought). So went online to www.cartalk.com ('cause I listen to that NPR radio show from time to time on Sunday mornings when I'm too thrashed to get out of bed) and checked out their "Mechanic Recommendation" boards. I came across a shop called Stuart's German Auto Specialist, which was based in Burbank -- near the Disney studios where I was working at that time.

I go in with an appointment to see ths dude named Stuart Schreiber the owner/sole mechanic... explain to him what I want -- oil change, look at the brakes and see if a tune-up is necessary because of the hard idle. Stuart agrees, and then proceeds to TAKE FOUR DAYS to do this so-called minor service. It's costing me daily rental car fees, and I could only guess what the bill was going to be for his labor.

When I finally do get the car, I'm tempted to stop order the check 'cause Stuart Schreiber cost me so much extra cash. Here's were it turns to shit and I bend over and spread my ass cheeks. I pick up the car on a Saturday morning and drive around all weekend. culminating with a smoking hot date with the girl I was just beginning to date... we come back from a party on Sunday night, and due to other stupid ass circumstances, we can't go up into her place to have sex or go to mine ('cause the owner of the house I was staying at had these two ass-bag bulldogs who weren't really housetrained).

Me and my girl are making out in the car in front her apartment, with the engine idling, and we notice steam coming up from the engine. I look at the engine temp guage and it's deep in the red zone! I shut the car off and let it cool down for about 45 minutes, as we continue to do everything but fuck in the front seat of my car.

When it's about 5am, my girl goes inside and I have to drive back from Hollywood to Woodland muthafucking Hills -- the car is overheating the whole time, and I'm stopping to fill the coolant resevoir up with first coolant and then water every three highway exits.

The next day I call Stuart tell him my troubles and he says he'll do any repairs free of charge, if the problem was something he caused or overlooked. I tell him what about the tow!!?! It's going to cost me about $70 to get the car towed to his garage -- even with AAA!!! He agrees to pay for that, too, if it's his fault.